How do we climb out of a no sex rut?

How do we climb out of a no sex rut?

Climbing out of a no sex rut is like climbing a fort wall! The discussion as to why people don’t want to have sex however could often be circular. So between climbing a straight wall and having a circular argument lays a path, which hopefully steers towards a healthy relationship with adequate sex that keeps both partners satisfied. By that, I mean both partners need to work at their relationship, which is very eroding for the sex life routine, boring and rotting. The people in the relationship need the energy to drive it forward. 

Often people change (their values and way of thinking), their priorities in life change and if you take work stress and general busy schedule, children, life changing factors such as impending loss of job or family member into the pot, its a gurgling mixture for the relationship to be taken for granted and sex to take a place in the back boiler. Most will not even talk about sex just in case it raises it’s ugly head of ‘having to do it!’

In a time like this, everyone likes familiarity, routine and maintaining status quo for stability i.e not adding anymore stress by challenging issues in life that need not be brought to the surface. As it is, life feels like a struggle especially in this climate of Covid when nothing is certain. It becomes easy to step into the circular path - so the relationship keeps fading bit the routine keeps the everyday life going until such point it reaches a crisis - you have to work at your relationship - that’s the wall one has to climb. ’Tiredness’ comes to mind and its a big factor for not having sex.

You may need someone to facilitate and help you work through the upheaval of life versus the intimate personal life issues and a problem shared is a problem halved. Do it together with your partner, if you wish, to bring it back to life. If you decide that you want to end your relationship you need to work through the issues yourself but also include your current partner to understand your issues and rationale as to why you need to change. Either way, the one way is up!

My boyfriend and I go from having sex 2-3 times a week to not having it for 2-3 weeks? Am I normal?

Wanting to have sex depends on the state of mind one is in at that time. You can have sex because it is a physical need (feeling horny and anyone will do) or because you want to enjoy and share the gratification of having sex with someone you love and care about (feeling the desire to be intimate and needing affection and warmth for reassuring the relationship). I am not discussing consensual or non-consensual sex at this stage. To enjoy sex, one needs to relax, feel comfortable and desire sex. One factor, which is important is who you are having sex with. I have not come across or read anything which describes a ’normal’ frequency of sex in a relationship. It appears though ’normal’ may mean what is acceptable and what is not acceptable between the couple. The frequency also depends on the level of stress at work and life, tiredness due to various reasons, recent experience of loss, mild undiagnosed depression and loss of interest in your partner.

Loving someone does not mean you have to be sexually attracted to that person. However, in a relationship where there are expectations of love and sex, the balance of love, romance and sex should be discussed and determine because there may be reasons why you feel like this but you are not conscious of and with help you may reinstate your sexual attraction towards each other. Communicating and discussing these factors clarifies the issues and helps couple move on a direction and path they both agree to choose.